Review of Beyonce as a Person, by Will Gardner

Beyonce sometimes goes on the internet, born in Houston. She well wears yellow and loves her daddy so much they have the same hair color. Despite her Beyoncetiousness, she is not in Iman’s book about nutmeg and buttermilk (says Salma Hayek). But, whatever, she is not going to compromise her Christianity. Nope.

It’s hot in the Knowles cut. Curtains the size of squirrels houses. And talk about online. When she was visiting her friend in Bethesda (and she did pronounce Maryland right when she landed in Dulles), she totally ate some rondolet cheese (kind of like my friend Marylynn). She has over six rooms on the first floor itself. Kitchens don’t count. They don’t in Maryland either. But that’s aside the point cause Beyonce’s closest house to Maryland is in Texas. New York is not in the gospel enough and Miami is full of that pesky Will Smith (who was good in that black movie). She didn’t even talk to him much at the Oscars this year. But Ellen didn’t really talk to her either. Well, kind of. I think she said hi.

Yeah, totally hot. She doesn’t even need leg warmers. Sometimes she swims some in her B-sharp. And sometimes she runs a bit on those paved paths behind her toolshed. But mainly she looks good because she has to, primarily reading thick magazines and sometimes using astrigent (perhaps melting some). Her mother (who taught her how to sew and to genuflect) says she does. Her mother can’t sing like Whitney Houston’s mother can (not from Houston). But she has been nominated for BET awards for design. The black Edith Head or something.

She has other people like Linda go on the internet for her. Of course she can read, but she doesn’t like to unless she can flip (gently) the pages herself with elegance. And it is with elegance. Also a sly smile. Very important, she says. Make them think you’re a dumb blonde and then she spoils it by quoting Margaret Atwood who doesn’t even live in the us. Or Vermont, for that matter.

She and Jennifer Hudson are Virgos. But Beyonce does not have any bumper stickers on her MP3 hatchback. If she did, she has said she would have the one where it says something about no Jesus, no peace, know Jesus, know peace, visualize Jesus, visualize peace. She’s shorter than you think. Especially when she looks like she did in the black outfit in the later seen in Dreamgirls. That hat was sure period. In the cut.

Bill Condon thinks great things of her. So do you.

Will Gardner lives in Portland, Oregon.